Today's waffle - chronic fatigue, et al

I was in my late 20s when it first hit. I was very fit, swimming 20 laps in summer or running around the lake in winter plus squash a couple times per week, windsurfing in summer and skiing in winter.

I was unable to stay awake by around 3pm and would need to take a sleep for an hour or so to be able to finish the day. I cut down on my activity without any benefit or change in the need for an afternoon sleep. I was sent to all kinds of doctors and did all sorts of tests with no indication of why.

I managed this way for some time, lucky to have great work mates. Eventually I gave up all sport occupying my time now with playing bridge. This consumed my life for many years. I don't think it was good for my health with the constant high adrenalin. It is very addictive.

My health gave out again with weight falling off in kilos and no amount of food or good living making a difference. Tai chi, organic food, good working conditions, good friends and still the weight continued to disappear. My blood pressure was dreadfully low and eventually I had to stop driving. I was able to work from home for about a year, working when I could. I continued to deteriorate. I was pensioned off and packed my car to head north to Queensland.

There was a big deal about doing this as I had two life long (their life) long fur friends who were both around ten years old. Leaving them was a big challenge. I found a lady who was responsible and gave her a great deal to care for my girls and my budgie. [I returned to one cat! but eventually found little Mau Mau after three weeks - another story].

I moved into a share unit on the Gold Coast. Possibly one of the worse moves I have made but is an indication of how bad my health was. Just before I left I was able to visit Feng Wei (Tai Chi master) who now had English enough to practice TCM. The medicine he gave me and the move to warmer weather made the difference. I slowly started putting on weight. There were a lot of other impacts that came with CFS. I slept around 15 hours a day. This makes having a life quite difficult. I could not commit to anything. Walking anywhere was out of the question; a movie I would fall asleep. Another part of CFS is a sensitivity to noise; loud noise is very exhausting.

So life with chronic fatigue. It is hard. The impact it has on your career is hard but the impact on daily life is the harder thing to deal with. We have this gorgeous home and wonderful garden. I love gardening but I don't have the energy to get anything really going. I will be good for awhile then the weather will change or I will overdo it one day and that is me stuffed for weeks. Then the struggle just to try to maintain what I have achieved so far.

Maintaining a relationship with my love should be easy; we are not that old. This too is a challenge. Wanting to contribute to the Community but not being able. I volunteered at the Nimbin Neighbourhood and Information Centre (NNIC) but after a couple of weeks just could not continue; only one day a week! The daily cooking of a meal is overwhelming at times. Keeping our home clean, ensuring Peter has his medications all take their toll and leave me exhausted daily.

Now, some Summer would have helped as I have little to no ability to deal with cold but I am used to wearing a heap more clothes than everyone else. I am pretty good at moderating my energy output but sometimes there is a demand which is out of my control. Tomorrow I go to visit my darling Mother who is coming to the end of this life. We cannot cope with being away from home so this means a big day and will take some weeks to get over. It is worth it though to see her and be able to give her gentle hugs.

Love you my Mummy.

Hopefully CFS will not keep me from regular ramblings.

Introduction

I am Pixie and I am a pixie

I will get used to this gig of writing. I love writing but have never done much online. A blog here and there that I never kept up, now defunct.

I think of myself as lucky. Certainly I have had some very tough times, very harsh treatment but I have never had to cope with a partner or child dying. I have lost my father, grandfather and two close friends to alcohol. The tough times have given me good lesson for living and growing. Forgiveness and compassion gave me back a meaningful life. I have never had a life threatening illness nor am I disabled. I am grateful.

No doubt this will be a bit jumbled for awhile until I get out all I want to say ...

I live in a glorious part of Australia on a bit of land. Life is good, growing some of our own food and being able to buy most of the rest at a local farmers market. Good clean food, water and air. Good friends and a wonderful Community. We still feel the pains that were moulded into our soul before arriving here in this healing, caring community. The difference is that people are not 'judged' for being different, having bad days and more.

So back to my life. Early childhood was good then it changed. I really don't know why but have thoughts on why. I escaped the tyranny of home and arrived in Nimbin prior to the first Aquarius Festival in 1973. I have great memories of fun, creativity, music and general good will. Eventhough I left due to illness and got caught not returning until 2003 I kept the memories and the dreams alive inside me.

Trials and tribulations from trying to be someone I wasn't obviously led to an unhappy life. I looked for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. Finally, after 30 years floundering in the dark my spirit was depleted; I was unable to work; pensioned off; I headed north to a warmer climate. This helped, combined with Traditional Chinese Medicine and Tai Chi. I had been getting help learning how to be an adult by a wonderful Counsellor who was also a massage therapist. Wonderful combination of lesson while being massaged. The Tai Chi Academy  was the real life saver. The serenity of a class and combined meditation refuelled my spirit. It also gave me access to life changing workshops run by Lama Choedak Rinpoche. How to deal with anger, a major issue; learning compassion and forgiveness. I cannot thank these people enough for nourishing my spirit.

The transition wasn't instant, still hanging onto that which was wrong for me. Eventually I have come back home to Nimbin about the same time I arrived 30 years earlier. Full circle back to where I was meant to be. I feel at peace, accepted for who I am - warts and all.

Along this journey I was rewarded with finding the love of my life; my soul mate. He was so hurt, three ended marriages, three lost children. Full of mistrust and pain and anger. The first years were hard coping with the jealousy, the mistrust but we have grown together and could not imagine being apart now, 12 years later.

I will progress through my days, referencing incidents in my life as I go.  A picture of our driveway leading to our little paradise