Moths might sound like a strange topic to be discussing but moths and I have a non alignment. After pondering this strange 'phobia' of mine I have decided it began when I was around nine years old. I had been banished to the kitchen to eat my meals as I was too messy to eat in the lounge room. So as not to appear too biased, my older brother was made to eat with me. My Mummy was not the best of cooks and stuck to a standard menu. One meal on this menu was tripe! I have never been overly keen on meat and this excursion into the inside of an animal was more than I could stomach. I did try but it was immediately expelled back onto the plate. I was somewhat of a precocious child, headstrong and independent. My father was a Sergeant Major in the Army; I was born a hippie - we clashed big time. My Mummy did what she was told; he also used physical discipline past acceptable limits. She has never spoken of it but I was told by my dearest darling Aunt that if she interfered too much he would take it out on her later so she allowed a certain level to protect herself so that she was able to protect us a little. He was away alot so it wasn't all bad and there were great times. I do not hold any anger for him only compassion; he ended life when he was fifty.
Back to moths and tripe. This dish was served often, as I remember it, but most likely not as much asthat. I was striving to consume this foul food when a moth dive bombed this disgusting white rubbery stuff floating in white sauce. It struggled depositing it's dust in a trail behind it. That was the end of my attempt to eat this meal. I learnt to chop this vileness into small pieces and deposit it outside the kitchen window later ensuring it was well dug into the flower garden. My Mummy grew gerberas there and was always pleased at her success. Many, many years later I confessed my actions. She said she had always wondered why they grew so well but thought it was humourous.
My skin crawling encounters with moths have continued through my life. It is something that was so silly and it happened when I was young so I had kept it to myself forever. In my later years and comfortableness with my quirkiness I told Peter. He thought I was having him on but there have been too many examples of moths picking on me for him to remain a non believer.
What a strange creature to have a non alignment with. An example of this attraction is the other night. I had settled in bed but all I could hear was this moth. I thought it must be at the window wanting to get out so I got up and pushed the window open shooing around the window, closed it, settled again. No the beating was still going. It couldn't be on the floor or Munchiekimba would be sorting it out. Finally I got my torch and found this tiny moth on the edge of the dresser going nuts!
a few days later ....
The night I wrote the above, I was putting toothpaste on my brush, as I put the tube down this moth kamikaze'd into my toothpaste! Peter could not believe it.
I think that the moths did not like me writing about our 'thing'.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Winter Blues
I am sitting here all rugged up and a fire burning. I do feel the cold badly and rarely get into 'summer' clothes. I am built for the tropics, back to those formative years, and I cannot get warm unless it is well into the twenties (celsius that is). This constant battle to be warm is another burden for my system making energy very scarce in these months. In a catch22 - need to move to get warm but have no energy due to body using all already to keep basics going!
Laughing, what a whinger! but it is a burden as I am not that big and having to wear so much is tiresome. The joy of being free of clothing; to be warm still. Maybe a dream nowadays with my health but I can still remember being warm, hot even. I fib a little as I am 'enjoying' the occasional 'power surge' which is very warming but too sudden and only brief. I think possibly the worst part of winter is the night sweats. Waking up needing to go to the toilet yet needing to change the wet clothing before I freeze is not fun at all. I change clothes at least twice a night and nothing I have tried makes any difference. I wear clothes, I don't wear clothes, I have additional heating, I don't, I have more blankets, I have less blankets ... makes no difference so I do what I need to do to deal with the effects. I don't like the idea of the electric blanket but it is necessary to keep the bed warm once it is soaked. I don't sleep with it on just to warm up or keep warm when I am not in it ie when have to get up in the middle of the night. A water bed is a great solution but I no longer have one and cannot afford one now. Sleep is something I am not very familiar with so I do all I can do to aid the process.
Finally after 10 years Peter is going to bed without me. Yah! I am not a person who can go to bed early. I have tried but is not natural at all, whereas Peter is mostly asleep in his chair by 9.30pm. He also gets up several hours before me. I would like to be up early and stay up late but have never been able to sleep during the day unless very ill. It is good that he has finally done this as it was always a pressure to go to bed with him then I would lie there awake and have a bad night's sleep. Now I can go to be when it is right for me, go to sleep immediately and sleep better. It does mean I don't get up until he has been up for a few hours but this gives us both some alone time.
Relationships are an ever evolving creation. I am happy that ours continues to grow and change with us. Sure he bugs me at times as I am sure I bug him. I find being responsible for the household a huge burden with I would prefer to share; not to be, not in him. We muddle along, have our 'words' with each other but all in all it isn't a bad relationship. He can be very uncaring, not noticing when I am unwell or so engrossed in his stuff he forgets I am unwell.
... continued some days later. I rarely get sufficient time at once to write without interruption. I then loose the inspiration of what I was on about. I really need something that plugs into my brain as I am going to sleep - that is when I do my best thinking, compiling, designing, problem solving, etc.
I have still been doing too much and thus not sleeping. yes sounds wrong but that is what happens with CFS; if you get overtired you don't sleep. The brain is keen but it has to convince the body it is also a good idea. I like doing stuff and do so. Peter also has been doing too much and so has been thrashing around in his sleep.
Despite the fatigue it is good to look at my little veggie garden and see the plants growing. I need to remove trees that shade the house and garden too much. The garden has been more or less let to grow free for around fifteen years. I love resurrecting gardens.
the wind
that blows
cares not
the will it's own
to bring
the change
the rain
the sun
to clear leaves
branches from the trees
leave me cold
grab my chi
way inside
my mind awry
the ire rises
stoke the fire
snuggle in
smile at the wind
I am a horse, a wooden horse; the wind and I do not agree. The slightest breeze can chill me! I have learnt to keep out of it which is hard sometimes when it is sunny like today. There has been so much rain I need to get out when the sun shines but today I do not want to deal with the wind. The weather defies the predictors with constant rain through July going against their prediction of a couple of months of little rain. I wonder if our efforts with replanting, restoring the native vegetation, growing food without chemicals and all the other sustainable things are having an impact on the weather here.
The Community (Nimbin Neighbourhood & Information Centre and the Nimbin Community Centre) have bought a property across the road from their current buildings. The house is in bad shape but having been an original house is built from some amazing timbers which have seen it stay strong, just in need of a rejuvenation. The site is to be used to develop a totally sustainable building which will house various activities such as classes on natural building materials. There will be a shop front and many other projects. The Community is buying it so we are trying to pay off the loan before the interest free period ends which is December 2012. We still need to raise around $70,000. Many residents have arranged direct debits from their pensions to the loan account. There is a link above to the NNIC and from there you can get those details if you are able to help. Sustainable House will be for all not just locals. It is the general desire to alter the perception of this area. We came here to be sustainable, to be free, not to make mega dollars from growing pot or selling to tourists. We would rather showcase our lifestyle; a lot has been achieved since 1973.
Time to end this rambling. I need to keep working on Peter's website but will take it very easy otherwise.
Laughing, what a whinger! but it is a burden as I am not that big and having to wear so much is tiresome. The joy of being free of clothing; to be warm still. Maybe a dream nowadays with my health but I can still remember being warm, hot even. I fib a little as I am 'enjoying' the occasional 'power surge' which is very warming but too sudden and only brief. I think possibly the worst part of winter is the night sweats. Waking up needing to go to the toilet yet needing to change the wet clothing before I freeze is not fun at all. I change clothes at least twice a night and nothing I have tried makes any difference. I wear clothes, I don't wear clothes, I have additional heating, I don't, I have more blankets, I have less blankets ... makes no difference so I do what I need to do to deal with the effects. I don't like the idea of the electric blanket but it is necessary to keep the bed warm once it is soaked. I don't sleep with it on just to warm up or keep warm when I am not in it ie when have to get up in the middle of the night. A water bed is a great solution but I no longer have one and cannot afford one now. Sleep is something I am not very familiar with so I do all I can do to aid the process.
Finally after 10 years Peter is going to bed without me. Yah! I am not a person who can go to bed early. I have tried but is not natural at all, whereas Peter is mostly asleep in his chair by 9.30pm. He also gets up several hours before me. I would like to be up early and stay up late but have never been able to sleep during the day unless very ill. It is good that he has finally done this as it was always a pressure to go to bed with him then I would lie there awake and have a bad night's sleep. Now I can go to be when it is right for me, go to sleep immediately and sleep better. It does mean I don't get up until he has been up for a few hours but this gives us both some alone time.
Relationships are an ever evolving creation. I am happy that ours continues to grow and change with us. Sure he bugs me at times as I am sure I bug him. I find being responsible for the household a huge burden with I would prefer to share; not to be, not in him. We muddle along, have our 'words' with each other but all in all it isn't a bad relationship. He can be very uncaring, not noticing when I am unwell or so engrossed in his stuff he forgets I am unwell.
... continued some days later. I rarely get sufficient time at once to write without interruption. I then loose the inspiration of what I was on about. I really need something that plugs into my brain as I am going to sleep - that is when I do my best thinking, compiling, designing, problem solving, etc.
I have still been doing too much and thus not sleeping. yes sounds wrong but that is what happens with CFS; if you get overtired you don't sleep. The brain is keen but it has to convince the body it is also a good idea. I like doing stuff and do so. Peter also has been doing too much and so has been thrashing around in his sleep.
Despite the fatigue it is good to look at my little veggie garden and see the plants growing. I need to remove trees that shade the house and garden too much. The garden has been more or less let to grow free for around fifteen years. I love resurrecting gardens.
the wind
that blows
cares not
the will it's own
to bring
the change
the rain
the sun
to clear leaves
branches from the trees
leave me cold
grab my chi
way inside
my mind awry
the ire rises
stoke the fire
snuggle in
smile at the wind
I am a horse, a wooden horse; the wind and I do not agree. The slightest breeze can chill me! I have learnt to keep out of it which is hard sometimes when it is sunny like today. There has been so much rain I need to get out when the sun shines but today I do not want to deal with the wind. The weather defies the predictors with constant rain through July going against their prediction of a couple of months of little rain. I wonder if our efforts with replanting, restoring the native vegetation, growing food without chemicals and all the other sustainable things are having an impact on the weather here.
The Community (Nimbin Neighbourhood & Information Centre and the Nimbin Community Centre) have bought a property across the road from their current buildings. The house is in bad shape but having been an original house is built from some amazing timbers which have seen it stay strong, just in need of a rejuvenation. The site is to be used to develop a totally sustainable building which will house various activities such as classes on natural building materials. There will be a shop front and many other projects. The Community is buying it so we are trying to pay off the loan before the interest free period ends which is December 2012. We still need to raise around $70,000. Many residents have arranged direct debits from their pensions to the loan account. There is a link above to the NNIC and from there you can get those details if you are able to help. Sustainable House will be for all not just locals. It is the general desire to alter the perception of this area. We came here to be sustainable, to be free, not to make mega dollars from growing pot or selling to tourists. We would rather showcase our lifestyle; a lot has been achieved since 1973.
Time to end this rambling. I need to keep working on Peter's website but will take it very easy otherwise.
 |
| a favourite flower that is blooming now |
Monday, June 11, 2012
The Good Life
Life has been one very big adventure and like all adventure has had the good the bad and the ugly. Perhaps it has been a lot of different adventures. I certainly have tried a lot of different persona.
happy little girl, scared little girl, terrified adolescent, homeless, traveller, loved, unloved, straight, very bent, boring, outrageous and more but have finally found peace and happiness. The journey and thus adventures have to come. I look forward to what may be. It is a joy to now be able to feel secure to live in an environment that allows the freedom to explore and grow.
Both my love and myself have had quite a journey in our time together - seems like forever and yesterday. we love. we go through the normal ups and down of living together but we communicate ie unless he is engrossed in one of his projects; then I have time to myself.
a great joy has descended on our piece of paradise. a man who has been a friend for many years needed a home; we had a vacant caravan plus he had a van. he now lives here and the joy of seeing him be able to let go of so much stress makes my heart glow. We have such a beautiful property, so healing. We have a much loved lady friend who comes to visit us; the two have met and fireworks are going off. It is joyous to see two wonderful people so in need of caring finding each other and sparks flying. My heart is so full of joy, happiness and gratefulness. I want everyone to have what Peter and I have and when two single people find each other as Peter and I did ....
The road for them will not be smooth but they know the challenges and know there maybe more they have not considered; taking it slow. I hope there aren't too many hurdles for them; they are well matched.
I have always had a need to be loved, not necessarily needed as I don't do that well at all. I am grateful that I seem to be well liked and know many love me ... so I want to see our very good friends happy also. My friend and I are very similar yet very different.
I met my girl friend in July 1985 and have stayed friends. There have been times when she has been very involved in being a Mum when we haven't had much contact but even after almost a year of not talking we can phone and talk for hours. Now with the children grown we have had time again to enjoy our friendship.
I have had very few girl friends in my life. I had friends who were girls but none that were my bosom buddy until I was almost thirty. This lady was a friend of my younger brothers but we became good friends but she was a good time friend and was absent when my life turned to shit. We reunited for a few years but again parted. Friends come into your life for a short time or a long time, each for a reason.
I was used to dealing with life on my own feeling more like a live in slave than a family member; cooked, washed, cleaned for family and had a bedroom off the kitchen at the other end of the house from the rest of the family. I learnt to be tough and hide behind the ever increasing wall of protection. Naturally the anger and frustration would emerge at inappropriate times.
I loved and lost a few partners, some serious, some not so. I had not intended to have another live in relationship but when our eyes met I had no choice .... 'at last I have found you' were the words that entered both our heads. Apart from illness forcing one of us to hospital plus once nursing my Mum and once him visiting his Mum we have not spent time apart. Twenty four hours a day, every day.
What a hard transition it has been from a total loner to sharing my private space and that is one thing Peter is no good with at all ie giving people their private space. Our relationship was rejected by both his and my families; it mattered not for our love was all we needed. My family did come to the wedding and Mum and Marjorie Mum were very happy. Marjorie Mum accepted Peter and loved him like a son and Mummy came to love the same because he made me happy. Mummy has lost most memories now and Marjorie Mum has continued on her spirit journey.
We have endured a home invasion by a non paying customer who was offended by refusal of more credit. She sent her thug, junkie boyfriend around and he with his steel capped boots and young healthy body beat Peter almost to death. He also assaulted me when I tried to push him off Peter; he just flung me across the yard. Peter's injuries list was extensive. He spent five days in intensive care and had only just survived the ambulance trip to the closest hospital that could treat such an injured person. The doctor had not time for anaesthetic, local or otherwise, having to cut into Peter's chest to insert a tube into his punctured lung. The necessary rushed surgery has left scars which cause him a lot of pain now. He has never recovered having had two vertebrae broken plus he had to have his remaining teeth removed as the nerves had been damaged when was kicked in the jaw, breaking it and so slowly died off. He has different vision from each of his eyes after having had his eye socket broken which means having to wear glasses. The result of the injuries meant an increase in pain medications which have their own long term negative health impacts. His greatest loss was his ability to do anything he chose to do. He was a physical person who had to learn to be less mobile. It has been a very hard journey with him losing his mind for some time. The doctors wanted to lock him up in a hospital but I knew he would never recover if they did that. We continue to heal. The physical injuries were minor compared with the psychological.
some random comments:
Introvert or extrovert.- I am a real introvert ie I recharge by being alone; I get worn out by being with people. There are not many real introverts eventhough many feel they are. They still need to spend time with people; I do not. I could live without talking to another person - a hermit. I could never live without animals.
Community - Our small village is the hub for a greater community. Although we are spread out in the hills surrounding the village we often come together at various event. Many feel strongly about helping and supporting those who are most troubled. There are many here who have been beaten up by society and have found Nimbin an oasis. We still have our sad times as we have had recently. I am sure many feel a little failure for not being able to save a man who chose to take his own life. I have experienced too much suicide in my lifetime. I am a supporter of euthanasia. Suicide to me is selfish but I am not in their mind and thus cannot and should not judge. I am sure my feeling comes from personal loss - grandfather, father, two good friends. Yes you can see how they cannot cope and cannot find peace and yes, I can understand how death seems to be the only option, free of the pain. I still could not do it to those I know care even if I was and have been at the depths of despair.
It is society's failure to be able to incorporate those who do not fit in the mould. We are and have always been ostracised from society even if we endeavour to fit in, we still stand out. We don't want to stand out we just want to be able to have our own beliefs.
some of the stalls at Blue Knob Farmers Market - rain, hail or shine
The farmers market is a wonderful place to meet friends, talk to like minded people, listen to some musicians and get the best clean food straight from the farm.
happy little girl, scared little girl, terrified adolescent, homeless, traveller, loved, unloved, straight, very bent, boring, outrageous and more but have finally found peace and happiness. The journey and thus adventures have to come. I look forward to what may be. It is a joy to now be able to feel secure to live in an environment that allows the freedom to explore and grow.
Both my love and myself have had quite a journey in our time together - seems like forever and yesterday. we love. we go through the normal ups and down of living together but we communicate ie unless he is engrossed in one of his projects; then I have time to myself.
a great joy has descended on our piece of paradise. a man who has been a friend for many years needed a home; we had a vacant caravan plus he had a van. he now lives here and the joy of seeing him be able to let go of so much stress makes my heart glow. We have such a beautiful property, so healing. We have a much loved lady friend who comes to visit us; the two have met and fireworks are going off. It is joyous to see two wonderful people so in need of caring finding each other and sparks flying. My heart is so full of joy, happiness and gratefulness. I want everyone to have what Peter and I have and when two single people find each other as Peter and I did ....
The road for them will not be smooth but they know the challenges and know there maybe more they have not considered; taking it slow. I hope there aren't too many hurdles for them; they are well matched.
I have always had a need to be loved, not necessarily needed as I don't do that well at all. I am grateful that I seem to be well liked and know many love me ... so I want to see our very good friends happy also. My friend and I are very similar yet very different.
I met my girl friend in July 1985 and have stayed friends. There have been times when she has been very involved in being a Mum when we haven't had much contact but even after almost a year of not talking we can phone and talk for hours. Now with the children grown we have had time again to enjoy our friendship.
I have had very few girl friends in my life. I had friends who were girls but none that were my bosom buddy until I was almost thirty. This lady was a friend of my younger brothers but we became good friends but she was a good time friend and was absent when my life turned to shit. We reunited for a few years but again parted. Friends come into your life for a short time or a long time, each for a reason.
I was used to dealing with life on my own feeling more like a live in slave than a family member; cooked, washed, cleaned for family and had a bedroom off the kitchen at the other end of the house from the rest of the family. I learnt to be tough and hide behind the ever increasing wall of protection. Naturally the anger and frustration would emerge at inappropriate times.
I loved and lost a few partners, some serious, some not so. I had not intended to have another live in relationship but when our eyes met I had no choice .... 'at last I have found you' were the words that entered both our heads. Apart from illness forcing one of us to hospital plus once nursing my Mum and once him visiting his Mum we have not spent time apart. Twenty four hours a day, every day.
What a hard transition it has been from a total loner to sharing my private space and that is one thing Peter is no good with at all ie giving people their private space. Our relationship was rejected by both his and my families; it mattered not for our love was all we needed. My family did come to the wedding and Mum and Marjorie Mum were very happy. Marjorie Mum accepted Peter and loved him like a son and Mummy came to love the same because he made me happy. Mummy has lost most memories now and Marjorie Mum has continued on her spirit journey.
We have endured a home invasion by a non paying customer who was offended by refusal of more credit. She sent her thug, junkie boyfriend around and he with his steel capped boots and young healthy body beat Peter almost to death. He also assaulted me when I tried to push him off Peter; he just flung me across the yard. Peter's injuries list was extensive. He spent five days in intensive care and had only just survived the ambulance trip to the closest hospital that could treat such an injured person. The doctor had not time for anaesthetic, local or otherwise, having to cut into Peter's chest to insert a tube into his punctured lung. The necessary rushed surgery has left scars which cause him a lot of pain now. He has never recovered having had two vertebrae broken plus he had to have his remaining teeth removed as the nerves had been damaged when was kicked in the jaw, breaking it and so slowly died off. He has different vision from each of his eyes after having had his eye socket broken which means having to wear glasses. The result of the injuries meant an increase in pain medications which have their own long term negative health impacts. His greatest loss was his ability to do anything he chose to do. He was a physical person who had to learn to be less mobile. It has been a very hard journey with him losing his mind for some time. The doctors wanted to lock him up in a hospital but I knew he would never recover if they did that. We continue to heal. The physical injuries were minor compared with the psychological.
 | |
| amazing fungi |
 |
| Lillian Rock from our back yard |
some random comments:
Introvert or extrovert.- I am a real introvert ie I recharge by being alone; I get worn out by being with people. There are not many real introverts eventhough many feel they are. They still need to spend time with people; I do not. I could live without talking to another person - a hermit. I could never live without animals.
Community - Our small village is the hub for a greater community. Although we are spread out in the hills surrounding the village we often come together at various event. Many feel strongly about helping and supporting those who are most troubled. There are many here who have been beaten up by society and have found Nimbin an oasis. We still have our sad times as we have had recently. I am sure many feel a little failure for not being able to save a man who chose to take his own life. I have experienced too much suicide in my lifetime. I am a supporter of euthanasia. Suicide to me is selfish but I am not in their mind and thus cannot and should not judge. I am sure my feeling comes from personal loss - grandfather, father, two good friends. Yes you can see how they cannot cope and cannot find peace and yes, I can understand how death seems to be the only option, free of the pain. I still could not do it to those I know care even if I was and have been at the depths of despair.
It is society's failure to be able to incorporate those who do not fit in the mould. We are and have always been ostracised from society even if we endeavour to fit in, we still stand out. We don't want to stand out we just want to be able to have our own beliefs.
some of the stalls at Blue Knob Farmers Market - rain, hail or shine
 | ||
| wonderful food fresh from the farmer |
The farmers market is a wonderful place to meet friends, talk to like minded people, listen to some musicians and get the best clean food straight from the farm.
 |
| access available to all |
 |
| safe for children with fun activities |
Monday, April 23, 2012
Today's waffle - chronic fatigue, et al
I was in my late 20s when it first hit. I was very fit, swimming 20 laps in summer or running around the lake in winter plus squash a couple times per week, windsurfing in summer and skiing in winter.
I was unable to stay awake by around 3pm and would need to take a sleep for an hour or so to be able to finish the day. I cut down on my activity without any benefit or change in the need for an afternoon sleep. I was sent to all kinds of doctors and did all sorts of tests with no indication of why.
I managed this way for some time, lucky to have great work mates. Eventually I gave up all sport occupying my time now with playing bridge. This consumed my life for many years. I don't think it was good for my health with the constant high adrenalin. It is very addictive.
My health gave out again with weight falling off in kilos and no amount of food or good living making a difference. Tai chi, organic food, good working conditions, good friends and still the weight continued to disappear. My blood pressure was dreadfully low and eventually I had to stop driving. I was able to work from home for about a year, working when I could. I continued to deteriorate. I was pensioned off and packed my car to head north to Queensland.
There was a big deal about doing this as I had two life long (their life) long fur friends who were both around ten years old. Leaving them was a big challenge. I found a lady who was responsible and gave her a great deal to care for my girls and my budgie. [I returned to one cat! but eventually found little Mau Mau after three weeks - another story].
I moved into a share unit on the Gold Coast. Possibly one of the worse moves I have made but is an indication of how bad my health was. Just before I left I was able to visit Feng Wei (Tai Chi master) who now had English enough to practice TCM. The medicine he gave me and the move to warmer weather made the difference. I slowly started putting on weight. There were a lot of other impacts that came with CFS. I slept around 15 hours a day. This makes having a life quite difficult. I could not commit to anything. Walking anywhere was out of the question; a movie I would fall asleep. Another part of CFS is a sensitivity to noise; loud noise is very exhausting.
So life with chronic fatigue. It is hard. The impact it has on your career is hard but the impact on daily life is the harder thing to deal with. We have this gorgeous home and wonderful garden. I love gardening but I don't have the energy to get anything really going. I will be good for awhile then the weather will change or I will overdo it one day and that is me stuffed for weeks. Then the struggle just to try to maintain what I have achieved so far.
Maintaining a relationship with my love should be easy; we are not that old. This too is a challenge. Wanting to contribute to the Community but not being able. I volunteered at the Nimbin Neighbourhood and Information Centre (NNIC) but after a couple of weeks just could not continue; only one day a week! The daily cooking of a meal is overwhelming at times. Keeping our home clean, ensuring Peter has his medications all take their toll and leave me exhausted daily.
Now, some Summer would have helped as I have little to no ability to deal with cold but I am used to wearing a heap more clothes than everyone else. I am pretty good at moderating my energy output but sometimes there is a demand which is out of my control. Tomorrow I go to visit my darling Mother who is coming to the end of this life. We cannot cope with being away from home so this means a big day and will take some weeks to get over. It is worth it though to see her and be able to give her gentle hugs.
Love you my Mummy.
Hopefully CFS will not keep me from regular ramblings.
I was unable to stay awake by around 3pm and would need to take a sleep for an hour or so to be able to finish the day. I cut down on my activity without any benefit or change in the need for an afternoon sleep. I was sent to all kinds of doctors and did all sorts of tests with no indication of why.
I managed this way for some time, lucky to have great work mates. Eventually I gave up all sport occupying my time now with playing bridge. This consumed my life for many years. I don't think it was good for my health with the constant high adrenalin. It is very addictive.
My health gave out again with weight falling off in kilos and no amount of food or good living making a difference. Tai chi, organic food, good working conditions, good friends and still the weight continued to disappear. My blood pressure was dreadfully low and eventually I had to stop driving. I was able to work from home for about a year, working when I could. I continued to deteriorate. I was pensioned off and packed my car to head north to Queensland.
There was a big deal about doing this as I had two life long (their life) long fur friends who were both around ten years old. Leaving them was a big challenge. I found a lady who was responsible and gave her a great deal to care for my girls and my budgie. [I returned to one cat! but eventually found little Mau Mau after three weeks - another story].
I moved into a share unit on the Gold Coast. Possibly one of the worse moves I have made but is an indication of how bad my health was. Just before I left I was able to visit Feng Wei (Tai Chi master) who now had English enough to practice TCM. The medicine he gave me and the move to warmer weather made the difference. I slowly started putting on weight. There were a lot of other impacts that came with CFS. I slept around 15 hours a day. This makes having a life quite difficult. I could not commit to anything. Walking anywhere was out of the question; a movie I would fall asleep. Another part of CFS is a sensitivity to noise; loud noise is very exhausting.
So life with chronic fatigue. It is hard. The impact it has on your career is hard but the impact on daily life is the harder thing to deal with. We have this gorgeous home and wonderful garden. I love gardening but I don't have the energy to get anything really going. I will be good for awhile then the weather will change or I will overdo it one day and that is me stuffed for weeks. Then the struggle just to try to maintain what I have achieved so far.
Maintaining a relationship with my love should be easy; we are not that old. This too is a challenge. Wanting to contribute to the Community but not being able. I volunteered at the Nimbin Neighbourhood and Information Centre (NNIC) but after a couple of weeks just could not continue; only one day a week! The daily cooking of a meal is overwhelming at times. Keeping our home clean, ensuring Peter has his medications all take their toll and leave me exhausted daily.
Now, some Summer would have helped as I have little to no ability to deal with cold but I am used to wearing a heap more clothes than everyone else. I am pretty good at moderating my energy output but sometimes there is a demand which is out of my control. Tomorrow I go to visit my darling Mother who is coming to the end of this life. We cannot cope with being away from home so this means a big day and will take some weeks to get over. It is worth it though to see her and be able to give her gentle hugs.
Hopefully CFS will not keep me from regular ramblings.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Introduction
I am Pixie and I am a pixie
I will get used to this gig of writing. I love writing but have never done much online. A blog here and there that I never kept up, now defunct.
I think of myself as lucky. Certainly I have had some very tough times, very harsh treatment but I have never had to cope with a partner or child dying. I have lost my father, grandfather and two close friends to alcohol. The tough times have given me good lesson for living and growing. Forgiveness and compassion gave me back a meaningful life. I have never had a life threatening illness nor am I disabled. I am grateful.
No doubt this will be a bit jumbled for awhile until I get out all I want to say ...
I live in a glorious part of Australia on a bit of land. Life is good, growing some of our own food and being able to buy most of the rest at a local farmers market. Good clean food, water and air. Good friends and a wonderful Community. We still feel the pains that were moulded into our soul before arriving here in this healing, caring community. The difference is that people are not 'judged' for being different, having bad days and more.
So back to my life. Early childhood was good then it changed. I really don't know why but have thoughts on why. I escaped the tyranny of home and arrived in Nimbin prior to the first Aquarius Festival in 1973. I have great memories of fun, creativity, music and general good will. Eventhough I left due to illness and got caught not returning until 2003 I kept the memories and the dreams alive inside me.
Trials and tribulations from trying to be someone I wasn't obviously led to an unhappy life. I looked for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. Finally, after 30 years floundering in the dark my spirit was depleted; I was unable to work; pensioned off; I headed north to a warmer climate. This helped, combined with Traditional Chinese Medicine and Tai Chi. I had been getting help learning how to be an adult by a wonderful Counsellor who was also a massage therapist. Wonderful combination of lesson while being massaged. The Tai Chi Academy was the real life saver. The serenity of a class and combined meditation refuelled my spirit. It also gave me access to life changing workshops run by Lama Choedak Rinpoche. How to deal with anger, a major issue; learning compassion and forgiveness. I cannot thank these people enough for nourishing my spirit.
The transition wasn't instant, still hanging onto that which was wrong for me. Eventually I have come back home to Nimbin about the same time I arrived 30 years earlier. Full circle back to where I was meant to be. I feel at peace, accepted for who I am - warts and all.
Along this journey I was rewarded with finding the love of my life; my soul mate. He was so hurt, three ended marriages, three lost children. Full of mistrust and pain and anger. The first years were hard coping with the jealousy, the mistrust but we have grown together and could not imagine being apart now, 12 years later.
I will progress through my days, referencing incidents in my life as I go. A picture of our driveway leading to our little paradise
I will get used to this gig of writing. I love writing but have never done much online. A blog here and there that I never kept up, now defunct.
I think of myself as lucky. Certainly I have had some very tough times, very harsh treatment but I have never had to cope with a partner or child dying. I have lost my father, grandfather and two close friends to alcohol. The tough times have given me good lesson for living and growing. Forgiveness and compassion gave me back a meaningful life. I have never had a life threatening illness nor am I disabled. I am grateful.
No doubt this will be a bit jumbled for awhile until I get out all I want to say ...
I live in a glorious part of Australia on a bit of land. Life is good, growing some of our own food and being able to buy most of the rest at a local farmers market. Good clean food, water and air. Good friends and a wonderful Community. We still feel the pains that were moulded into our soul before arriving here in this healing, caring community. The difference is that people are not 'judged' for being different, having bad days and more.
So back to my life. Early childhood was good then it changed. I really don't know why but have thoughts on why. I escaped the tyranny of home and arrived in Nimbin prior to the first Aquarius Festival in 1973. I have great memories of fun, creativity, music and general good will. Eventhough I left due to illness and got caught not returning until 2003 I kept the memories and the dreams alive inside me.
Trials and tribulations from trying to be someone I wasn't obviously led to an unhappy life. I looked for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. Finally, after 30 years floundering in the dark my spirit was depleted; I was unable to work; pensioned off; I headed north to a warmer climate. This helped, combined with Traditional Chinese Medicine and Tai Chi. I had been getting help learning how to be an adult by a wonderful Counsellor who was also a massage therapist. Wonderful combination of lesson while being massaged. The Tai Chi Academy was the real life saver. The serenity of a class and combined meditation refuelled my spirit. It also gave me access to life changing workshops run by Lama Choedak Rinpoche. How to deal with anger, a major issue; learning compassion and forgiveness. I cannot thank these people enough for nourishing my spirit.
The transition wasn't instant, still hanging onto that which was wrong for me. Eventually I have come back home to Nimbin about the same time I arrived 30 years earlier. Full circle back to where I was meant to be. I feel at peace, accepted for who I am - warts and all.
Along this journey I was rewarded with finding the love of my life; my soul mate. He was so hurt, three ended marriages, three lost children. Full of mistrust and pain and anger. The first years were hard coping with the jealousy, the mistrust but we have grown together and could not imagine being apart now, 12 years later.
I will progress through my days, referencing incidents in my life as I go. A picture of our driveway leading to our little paradise
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